[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
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Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
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Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.