There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok