“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman