Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
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Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My dog ate my work from home.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”