Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.