Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Monday?
No. Next question.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat