7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
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I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
shit just got real
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
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