We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?