The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
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[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth