Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
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Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
this has to be peak English
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.