That’s not how days work.
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As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
what does he know…
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Mmmm canned fish.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Pickled cat.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.