[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
termite twitter scares me
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”