Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
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My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.