People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
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In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*