I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?