The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]