If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.