sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
put ‘er there pardner!
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]