[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I’m literally crying
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video