theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
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Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.