My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
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Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today