My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
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just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance