2022 be like
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I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
This is enough internet for the day.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”