Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*sewing*
A thread
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.