I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
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saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Thinking about Jeff
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.