*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
You Might Also Like
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm