Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
You Might Also Like
Guantanamo Bae
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Happens to everyone.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.