*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
A man of commitment.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think