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Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Harsh but fair
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
greetings!