Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
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COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.