[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.