just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰