Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.