[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
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7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Banana is the quietest snack
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Pickled cat.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Admin smashed it 😂
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.