Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
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Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
bugs when you lift up a rock
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”