Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
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Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die