Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
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Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture