Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Spell check is for lasers.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
My life in a nutshell
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.