All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
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Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
decorating my apartment
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps