me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
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Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?