How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
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There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Friends that check up on you >
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Perfect.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
i think we should see other cousins