me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
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[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.