Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it