[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
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My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take