6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
as is their right
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping