I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
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Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”