Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.