me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
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‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Cha-ching is my safe word
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
May never get over this
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!