Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Bill is short for Billiam
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
shut up and take my money
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF