Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Software Development ⛵️
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.